behind all of this ....

lies a girl , who wishes she was the best at everything . i try to be a great friend , not just a good one. i wanna be the prettiest girl in the world , cause everyone wishes they were bad . i feel insecure at times , but i would NEVER let it show . i'm just not that type of girl -- dont feel sorry for me because i wont feel sorry for you . i get angry at my friends , when they do what i do . i just want a group of friends with their own minds . i hate being the same as everyone else . i feel alone at times , and i just want to be loved . by you , or you .

im in love and its the worst feeling ever . it used to be with two people but things changed and i switched it up . i have only one person who holds my heart , and its so wrong -- so wrong . because im going out on a limb and trusting someone who hurt me before with everything & they dont even know this is happenning -- i wont ever TELL them . because they know . they know what to do -- i would like to believe that im something of importance to their life , since we are rekindling shit . im overthinking things . i know i am , because things are way too perfect in my head & dreams and something not totally but remotely differently in reality.

my love for you .

when you left , i cried for days - months . felt like years . felt like i wasted so much time , i couldnt understand what i couldve possibly done to make you do that to me. i couldnt grasp my mind around it . it didnt even hit me until the latter of the months . i almost went to drastic measures because my love for you was THAT deep . it still is clearly , and im almost afraid to grasp my mind around it again . i act like i dont care that much , but i really do . and i put them damn feelings on a back pedal for a reason and theyre slowly crawling up . i mean what can i do ? i dont know how to stop it . im frazzled by the thoughts of you -- your constantly in my brain . i dont want to text you for the simple fact of sanity . i dont want my sanity to be comprimised once more . i am so willing to risk everything again - ms shore told me that you always love the one who gave you the most knowledge . and that i do admit . you defintiely gave me all the knowledge i ever needed .

and thats why i will always love you .
i dont know what we gone get into yet , but i just hope it's as poppin as before.

i love you forever & always <3

what do you think you deserve ? *for nyny*

this blog is dedicated to the infamous nyasia .
i love you skinny bxtch , he'll recognize what it is sooner or later.

so out of all my years of experience with this topic there has been only two incidents where my heart was literally shattered into pieces , brought back together only to be broken again . i mean you know who these people are and if you don't its [bella & bestyboy] . My life felt like it was pointless because i put my heart out . the same way you did . our situations are completely different with the amound of time you know adam or whatever . but basically i felt like i knew them forever . and vice versa . to be hurt by being rejected , espeically by someone who is a complete downgrade -- hurts the most !

what does this bitch have over me ?

she aint got shit .
its just the simple fact that he is scared .
he is scared to be commited to one person , when there is a WHOLE array of females out there .
i mean i understand him -- but i understand you.

i been on both sides of the spectrum ( good choice of words ? )
but honestly niggas aint shit and neither are bitches.

i know your heart is hurting right now .
and you listening to slow songs , thinking how could this artist know im talking about him.
getting upset all over again -- but nahh YOU WILL get over it .

and you wont text him again because hes not even worth that .


pinky swear good girls always win in the end .
they look for the virgins in the long run .
so the bitch he fuckinq ? she only temporary .

i love you
(:

aight .

i dunno what to say cept fuck niggas.

wowzers !

I LOVE NUMBER NINE !woot woot !
daculaaaa FALCON fanatic .

wow.

this girl is so effing smart. she should be my rolemodel. i mean she got her life SEMI on track. too bad i dont like her dumb ass. hahaha. i contradicted myself there. but anyways my arm is hurting so bad. because of volleyball. but ima beast. and ms. p says i am " wonderful " so there you un-believers in my athletic abilities. smh. anyways today was like any other day. im begginning to think i can sense the future. i aint talk to jae since he decided to effing hang up on me and never return phone calls / texts or anything like that. last night i sent him and china a text message. and did i grt one back from either one of them. no i didnt. so what does that tell me. move the fuck on. so i decided NOT to speak to china when i seen her at volleyball. right ? and who do i see first. i see him. and i forgot my own anger so i gave him a hug. and when i seen his suprise i remembered. so i left him. and went to the weight room and i finished all my water. and cousin kory who has a crush on me ( so weird - since they're COUSINS for crying out loud ) pants-ED me . thats what its called right. and everybody knows i NEVER EVER EVER wear draws when i got on shorts. whats the effing point. so he saw my ass. start trippin like he aint never seen ass before. ughh hes like a little kid. and now he keep calling me big booty judy. wich i am nowhere NEAR her. so i went to the new gym. and coach young told me he was gonna put up the bleachers so i went outside. seen china and shit. and she was acting "funny" but so have i so i cant even trip you know ? but i got irritated and left. big mistake. because i went to the gym and i seen dexter and his nasty ass had the nerve to say i wont get naked. BITCH YOUR RIGHT I WONT GET NAKED. not for you at least. but i said it politely. and then jae was playin b-ball and shit. then he seen me and tried to kiss me. but i cursed his ass out instead. like in baby boy. but he shut me up real quick by giving me a kiss. and i took it in. aint seen that nigga in like 8 days . i was feening for it. at least i got it from him ya know ? so he like wanna go for a walk. im like OKAY . since i was waiting for the twins anyways. and then next thing you know he laying me down. doing some shit he never ever ever ever ever did before. geesz. abstinence. that was my effing goal for the summer ( like hell ) ; couldnt take it anymore. so i say lets go to the little girlies room because lord knows i aint going in no nigga shit no more. some shit went down. i did something i aint never ever ever ever ever did before. and i dont even know what to say about it. but like a little bitch i start crying and shit because i love this nigga. i love that chick. even if theyre all twisted and like annoying and shit. its something i cant try to erase. i love a nigga. and i love a bitchh. ughh. but yeahh i dont know what to say to ol'boy just yet ; i aint answer any calls , no texts. i mean dude. its the summer and shit. i love you but i cannot cannot cannot be tied down. and thats his hidden agenda.
mhm.

ilysm
<3

oh mother effing ishh

my arm hurt. but whatever im a mother effing g. haha. im tryna watch the cursing.
but yeah aint talked to jae since yesterday when he hung up on me. he is so efifng G ( so he thinks ) TOO BAD I AINT EFFING CALLING HIS ASS TODAY. square ass nigga. lol.
but yeah anyways i seen mrs. thingg today. i knew i was . shit i had a dream about seeing her somewhere three days in a row. but yeah. i knew what wudda happenned if i gav e her a hug. not from her. but from me. yeahhhh.cant be gettin caught up on that shit. specially since she fucking with shyHOE the long wayy. yuckkk. cant even do it.

hahaha.
thats it.

everything else is swell.
=)

really ?

i cant believe this bitch.

oh HOT dayum.

i aint believe him when he said he was coming to school today.
but poof !

THERE HE IS.
GUSH.splash.OCEAN.
LOL.

honestly though i was a mess.

all first period.

thats my nigga.

hmmm.

going to second period.

singing with bree.

china walking all fast and shit.

blah her.

than their goes BITCHlexis.

lmao.

stupid little girl.

it's fun laughing at her with bree.

talking loud in the hallways when she come ABOUT HER.

JUST TO SEE IF SHE GONNA SAY SOMETHING.

wich she never does.

ha.

mhm.

<3

i aint really got ish to say besides im happy babe is here.

f i n a l l y gonna get some honey today.

FINALLY.

fye ?

saddity.

not even gonna write about you because this shit is regular with you.
blah.

---

kinda upset because once again ol' boy says he coming to school and doesnt come.
whatever.

we chillin tomorow anyways so we can catch up on all the missing time over this past 12 days.

WHATEVER.

ha.
anyways im like fuckk what THEY gotta say.
especially THAT GUY he telling me not to do this and that but hmmmm...
yesterday was something else.
like really ?
i wish he would try to say something to me about ANYTHING i just might have to expose a ma'fucka.

like ANYTHING AT ALL.
like A N Y T H I N G.

im offically listening to ONE unit.
and its not him.

bitches.
sneaky bitches.
hmmmmmmmmm.

---
twins party on saturday .
wondering if i should go kinda latee because he wannt me to go to the tattoo party with him.
and i really wanna get one ya know ?
hmmm.

guess its a possibility.
--
i guess thats it .

nothing left to say.
im emotionally drained.
and sexually fustrated.

school needs to be over now.

XOXO ,

juicyy.B

ell.oh.vhee.e

our tattoo.

yummie.

aggravation to the extreme.

so i realized i kinda DONT like that feeling after all.
i mean sure the whole tingly feeling is awesome or whatever.
but theres more to life than THAT ya know ?

more to relationships.

more to everything i guess.
hmmmm.

who gives a fuck though ?
like i've stated before im a ma'ckin G .
mackin till i die.

got A main.
he been there for a minute.
bonnie RIDES for hers.
hers.
do you get my drift ?

yeahh i hope so.
no hard feelings.

i gotta do me.
it's the only thing i KNOW how to do.

<3
---------------

but on a brighter note im okay.

tommorow babe is coming to school.
=)

geekedd as a ma'fucka.
like thats the only reason i dont EVER bitch about shittt.
without him i dunno.
bestfriends for life.

the best thing that ever happenned to me.
i love you bookie.

BONNiE & ZAY <3

IT'S BEEN REAL SHAWDDY fOLK bRUHH.

happytime.

finally happy.

i kind of like the way we are.
kinda.

it's a little annoying because you know i like people for myself.
i dont like sharing.

but i like thisss feeling.

the "tingly" feeling.

the whole entire SEXUAL vibeeee & bestfriend shit we got going on.
theres boyfriend numero dos but he dont really GET ME THERE.
as quick or as long as YOU.

GRRR.

so annoying.
blahh blahh blahh fuckk the hoes.
and the bitch.

not literally.

geesz theyre so annoying.

get a grip.
seriously.

hahahahahahahaha.
BUT NOW IM HORNY AGAIN.

just from thinking about "stuff"

grrrr.

see what you do to me ?
hmmm.

te quiero.

MAC&CHEESE

XOXO,

juicy.B

deadweight.

getting rid of the people who dont care and never have. the people who dont need to be in my life because theyre not serving a purpose. the people who continue to hurt me and fill my naive head up with lies. the people who dont NEED me and i seem to need them. the people who take advantage of me because they know they can and WILL succeed at it. the people who dont give a fuck and lied to me and said they did. the people who seem to find solace in lying to me constantly. the people who want to embrace my BODY but dont want to be anything more. "fuck buddies". the people who in reality i DONT need.


i need to begin and concentrate on me. instead of worrying about what country & zay doing. aint nobody hurt me as much as they did and nobody ever will. be serious with me and ima always be real with you. thats all i ask is for some cohesion. but seems like i aint never gonna get there with you. but do what you do shawddy ! continue with your bitch and im going to continue with my niqqa(s).

be happy.

because this what you wanted right ?

right.

xoxo,

juicy.B

HER.

I dont know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.

- Chloe Woodward

so naturally this one is for you.

and you know who YOU is if it's you.

lol.

nahh seriously when i love i love deeply and truly.

give it my all if i can.

and i do it whole - heartdly everyone makes mistakes ya know ?

so i dont blame people for their faults because i have a list of minee.

but i dont like being lied to over and over and over.

it happens so much that it's ridiculous.

and when i trust someone with my heart i trust them WITH MY HEART.

i had to give up alot of things to be with you and when i made that descion i was prepared for everything that went along with it.

but it seems like you weren't.

you knew that my rents didnt trust me - so of course they wasnt gonna let you come and get me.

of course i aint have my phone - so i had to try to call you whenever I COULD.

but theirs those thirsty ones.

the ones who got a car and could come and get you whenever.

ya know - the hoes and the bitches ?

the one who " wanted to be me " or the one who knows " you cant live without me "

the ones who knew your weaknessess.

and could easily make you stray .

i aint even gonna stress that shit because clearly i got wrapped into my little shit too...

but ughhhhh its different when its YOU that it's happenning too.

and you were scared i was going to break up with you.

but in reality it was you that I had to be afraid of.

no matter what i say or what the hell i do things will remain the same that just because you love someone and they love you too doesnt meant that you should be together.

thats dumb.

why cant you be with someone who you got feelings for.

or how come when your with that person and they say they with you 110 % no questions asked and making promises to you they end up breaking your heart.

"lets be friends - best friends "

i swear karmas a bitch. the biggest bitch i know. i say that to people who i dont care about. people who i knew wasnt gonna be LONG TERM and you said it to ME.

so with that mentality of not caring in my head how am i SUPPOSED to let it go.

please let me know because i dont know what else it could possibly mean.

feels like the tables been turned.

you say you love me right ?

well just like i told HIM - love dont hurt folk .

but hmmmmm clearly it does ?

because that seems to be the new thing.

hurting the people you cant live without.

because you know you cant live without me right ?

once you with arielle - theres no going back.

i wont let it happen is what im saying ( no cockiness intended )

but if i gotta let you go to be secure in myself and future relationships - thats what im going to do.

my sanity depends on it.

sigh...

HIM.

We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
- Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904 - 1991)

so reading that girls blogs seemed to upset me ALOT.
more than i would like.
see she speaks the truth about jalen.
things that i know firsthand.
and im thinking its only me but SUPRISE ( not really ) she does too.
shes been hurt in the SAME exact ways.
i know i should use what she's saying as a way for me to just leave him but just like her i can't.
and most likely i wont.

thats sad ?

its like what the hell does he possess that he makes every SINGLE girl he mack to

ends up in love.
like i NEVER ever felt this way for anyone BEFORE he came along.
it's kind of intriguing but in the same way hurtful.
he doesnt deserve the girls he hurts.
yet we all think we deserve him.

i dont want to be a "JALEN girl "

i hate those types.
so i made the descion to MOVE on and get ON.
but instead of that succeeding for at LEAST a month.

it didnt.



because i would like to believe that i've become so COLD towards others that i dont sympathize with anyone else but him.
i treat him better than the people who ACTUALLY deserve it.
it's gonna take a lot of will power for me to just let go of him.
but i feel as if i try i can do it.
everytime we get like this i make empty promises to myself that this IS indeed the last time.
three weeks later - we caked up on thee phone saying sorry and making more promises to never let it happen again.
each time we come back from an arguement i feel like i come back a new person.
someone who either is really WEAK or really STRONG.

most times its weak.

i fall hard and i dont know how to get back up.
you really mean alot to me but like i told you before ;

love dont hurt.

and that's all you seem to bring me.

hurt ; anguish ; heartbreak.

wowszers.

ha.
things change in like eight hours.


anyways.
im feeling myself but im really feeling you.
and you.

ahhhhh.


grrrr.

why can't it just be simple.
love love love ME.

selfish.

second place. or maybe even third. or maybe even nothing...

i cant do it.

even if we're not together i need to be numero UNO.

always.

and it hurts alot

to know that thats how its gonna be for a long time.

you fucking with bitch and hoee.
[ you know who im talkinq about ]

but whatever.

who gives a fuck ?

right...

im not going to sit here and like wait for you

or him.

i've been waiting on everybody for likee ever.

its time for somebody to wait on me.

i dont want to have to get hurt by the same two people over and over.

i need to find somebody new.

someone doesnt know shit about me
so they cant say the things that they know gonna
make me blushhh
think i wanna hear...

even if its true.
wich i believeee is the case ;

love dont hurt.

- xoxo

JUICY.b

sweet things.

yeah we WERE one.
and in a way we still are.
i mean we bestfriends now.

just because you love someone doesnt mean you got to be together.
ya know ?

ima support you even if the bitch is crazy.

hey thats what they said about me remember ?

probally more.

mhm but anyways.

---

things is going EXCELLENT with the kid.

ha i dont wanna jinx shit.
so i aint gon say TOO much.

hopefully nothing / no one will attempt and succeed again.
the stamina and willingness i gave to the LAST is what i'll give to you.
and vice versa.

i love you isaiah
<3

and only you.

goldilocks.

buy me these shoes.